A deep topic for myself to ponder on

Recently I've been giving a lot of thought on Christianity, Buddhism...
This year I've attended quite a few church events compared to past years, I've learnt a lot, and I've also questioned myself a lot.. Like, why this, why that, those kinda stuff.

I was born a Buddhist, but I don't think of myself as a Buddhist. I only went to temples when my grandma/mum asked me to, like during Chinese New Year, and during "qing ming" my family and I will go visit our ancestors' graves and those stuff la.

On paper I am a Buddhist.
But to me, I think of myself as more of a free-thinker.
Why so? Coz I don't believe in any God. I don't believe in superstitious crap like Buddhists do... If my grandma/mum aren't here to keep the Buddhism stuff going, like praying at the red-coloured-"santoi"-whatever-you-call-it-in-English, then my sis and I would be totally clueless about Buddhism.

My family and relatives used to be all Buddhists together, during CNY we would all go to the temple and pray together.
We would visit the graves together and stuff like that la.

4 years ago, my grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer. At the very last stage, she was suffering pretty badly. Then out of a sudden she asked to be baptised. I don't know why, I don't know what made her do that, and that question still lies in the dusty corners of my mind till today.

And so my grandma passed away as a Christian.

I only have relatives on my mom's side.
My dad; his sister is unmarried, and his brother committed suicide at a young age.
My mom has 3 siblings. 2 brothers and a sister.
My mom, one brother, and one sister together with their families bought houses in the same row, same neighbourhood.
I've no idea why her other brother went off to stay in KL.
So, my relatives all stayed in the same row of houses as my family did.
We would go visiting each other whenever we felt like it, and we cousins played ball and went cycling together during the evenings.

Those were the times.

One by one, my mum's siblings and their families were drawn to Christianity and got baptised.
One family moved to KL. The remaining family who still lives here, their 2 elder children out of 3 (my only cousins whose home is still in Kuantan) are now under ASEAN scholarship studying in Singapore.

Now, my family is the only family who are not Christians.
My cousins are all no longer in Kuantan except for one whom I don't communicate very much with.

During CNY, my family and I pray at the temple by ourselves.
As Christians aren't allowed to hold joss sticks or something like that, during my grandma's funeral, only my family held joss sticks to pray in her memory.

I've no idea why my family isn't drawn to Christianity either.

As a Buddhist, there are many, many different Gods that true Buddhists believe in.
But since I was young, I've never believed in any of them.

My parents used to send my sister and I to Sunday school when we were young. We read the Bible, we learnt the verses, we learnt how to pray.

No matter how many Higher Grounds or CFs or any other church thing I attend, I just can't bring myself to believe in God.

Coz, one of my principles in life is: I don't believe in things I don't see, hear or feel.
Have I actually seen God? No.
Have I actually heard His voice? No.
Have I actually felt His presence? No.

I enjoy the praise and worship sessions, I respect that Christians are very fond about their God and their Lord Jesus.
But as I sing along to the lyrics, I can't bring myself to actually mean what I sing.
I am not committed to God, as I don't believe in Him in the first place.

Some Christians were born and raised to believe in Him, and some only became Christians after a miracle changed their lives.

Why won't a miracle come change my life now?
God, speak to me, let me believe in You. =)
Let me feel what it is like to be in Your presence.

I find something different about Christians, the way they fellowship, and how they're like so friendly and stuff. Dunno how to describe.

Many people have talked to me about Christianity and the good that it brings.
During 3G Conference, I was surprised to get so many messages in my letter box, all encouraging me to get to know God even more.

I can count myself as a free-thinker right now.
I'm confused about my religion.
I'm a Buddhist, but I act like a Christian.
Even my dad sarcastically said the other day, "she also jadi christian already mah, still need her to go graveyard meh"
But I think like a free-thinker.
I actually am against some of the rules that comes with being a Christian.

God, if You are there, if You want me to get to know You, speak to me. =)